Sherry
It was mid September, the perfect time of the year where the weather isn’t too hot, but it’s too cold. The kids had already started school up again. As my oldest Brynée was in her freshman year of High School. My second daughter Kelsey was twelve years old and in the sixth grade. I couldn’t believe how fast the time had gone in a blink of an eye. It feels like yesterday when they were both just toddlers brushing their American girl doll’s hair in the living room and changing them into each and every outfit.
It was early Friday morning as I laid in bed not wanting to get up to start my day. While laying in bed I figured I would give myself a breast exam and feel for something as I did once a week. Breast cancer had run in my family as my mother had it in her early forties with being diagnosed with stage three breast cancer. As I felt around I came across something that I hadn’t typically felt before in the right side of my breast. I start to instantly panic as I knew this doesn’t feel right. It feels as if it is a small frozen pea inside the right side of my breast.
I quickly get out of bed and go to find my husband John to seek to him for advice as to what I should do. “John! John! Can you come into the bedroom real quick with me there’s something I need you to look at”, he looks at me with concern as he stops pouring his morning cup of coffee and lightly sets it down onto the kitchen counter. He follows me into the bedroom and quietly closes the door behind him. “What is it?” he asks. “I need you to feel this” as I place his index and middle finger on the right side where the lump is located. “I have a small lump!” I tell him looking as he can see the concerned look portrayed across my face. John looks up to me and tries to calm me down by rubbing my arms saying everything will be okay and to not freak out until you know certain that it’s cancerous. He tells me to not say anything to the kids as I wouldn’t wan to scare them if the lump was benign. I call the doctor to make an appointment to have it looked at before I start to get ready for work. They tell me they can fit me in today to look at the lump I have found on the right side of my breast. I tell John before he leaves for work asking if he would come with me, as he said he would.
I could feel the heart beat beating against my chest thinking how this can’t be good.
I drop both the girls both off at school with not saying a word about the concerns racing through my head constantly wondering if it is cancer. I try to continue and go on with my day as best I could. It was finally noon and John was on his way to picking me up to head to the doctors office. Once we arrive and are sitting in the waiting room I start to tap my foot to the ground as John could tell how nervous I was. He looked at me and told me that everything was going to be alright. The nurse came out and called for my name, I looked at John and told him that I want to go in alone and to wait here in the waiting room for me.
As I arrive into the doctors office and explain what I found, she feels for it herself. She immediately says how she would like to an ultra sound on the lump. After the results of the ultra sound they brought another doctor to come in to look it. I could feel the heart beat beating against my chest thinking how this can’t be good. The second doctor had looked at me and asked for me to come back for a biopsy as it looks like it could be cancerous. I could feel myself starting to have a nervous breakdown. I slouched over in my chair and put my face into the the palm of my hands. As I walked out of the doctors office and into the waiting room John starts immediately asking me questions what had happened curiously asking what was going on. I had told John the news of how I need to come back for a biopsy, since they think it is cancerous. He gave me a hug, and looked at me and said, “Sherry whatever happens we’ll get through this”. I wanted to cry as I was scared out of my mind.
I started working from home as my kids kept questioning me what was going on as they were curious as to why I was always at home rather than at work. I told them I was just working from home giving them no explanation as to why. I didn’t want to scare them with not knowing the final results.
The week had gone by and it was time for my second doctors appointment as I had to go in for my biopsy. I had to go to the New England cancer specialist to have the biopsy done. Walking into the building it had signs saying New England cancer specialist, seeing the word cancer gave me shivers throughout my entire body. I look towards John asking for him to come in with me this time as I was petrified to hear back the results.
As they started with the biopsy they proceeded by sticking the needle into the tumor. The pinch in my right breast from the needle hurt so bad that I grabbed John’s hand and squeezed it as hard as I could as they removed part of the tissue. John and I then had to wait patiently for the results to come back. I couldn’t concentrate on anything as I kept trying to think of something different. The doctor asked me to come into the office for the final results. John standing by my side he could tell I was a nervous wreck. The doctor pulled out her file saying, “your results have come back”, John grabs my hand for comfort to let me know he was right there beside me. “I’m afraid to say that the tumor in your right side of your breast is cancerous”, the words coming out of the doctors mouth was my worst nightmare. My whole body started to feel numb as I couldn’t believe what he had just said. My eyes instantly started to fill up with tears as they constantly kept rolling down my face. The word cancer kept running over and over through my head, not knowing what to do next worried if I was going to make it through all of this. My biggest fear about all of this was telling my kids. I told John to return back to work as I just wanted to be left alone. I had taken the day off worried that the results wasn’t going to come back the way I hoped. I felt weak throughout my whole body and climbed into my bed, pulling the covers up to my shoulders and laid on my side as I started to sob. I couldn’t help the tears flowing out, as I start to yell “WHY ME?!” I kept thinking how I’ve always been healthy throughout my entire life, what did I do wrong to deserve this.
I got up and decided to go for a drive to try and get out of the house to take some things off my mind. I then decided to go to leaping lizards to go and see a psychic to get my reading done. Coming out of the reading the one thing that stuck most to me was her telling me that I needed to inform my kids about what was going on.
As I pulled into my driveway I sat in my car for just a few minutes thinking to myself how I need to tell my kids about what has been going on. I can’t help but feel sad and upset having to tell my kids, no one ever wants to hear that someone they love has to fight and battle cancer. I want my kids to live their lives and not worry about me although I knew they would.
Walking into the house I could hear the laughter and bickering from Brynée and Kelsey. I didn’t know where to begin, so I set me keys down onto the kitchen counter and look up to them both. “Kelsey… Brynée… can you both please meet me and John in the living room we need to have a family meeting”. The room went silent as they both looked at me with worried faces. I walk into my bedroom finding John setting down his briefcase. “John, I think it’s time to tell the girls whats going on”, I said to
him with a heartbroken expression running across my face.
John and I walk into the living room to find Kelsey and Brynée quietly sitting on the couch awaiting to hear the news. I sit down as I feel uneasy to stand with feeling overwhelmed with emotions. John places his right hand on my shoulder for comfort as I try to tell the girls what has been going on as I start to tear up having a lost for words. “I just want to say that I love you both very much, and there’s something I need to tell you both”. Both my girls looked back and forth from me to John with more explanation as they didn’t know what to expect, “I have found a small tumor in the right side of my breast”. Brynée looks back at me and says, “is it cancerous?!” “yea mom what’s going on?!” I start having a hard time spitting out my words as John then steps in and says to the girls, “yes it is cancerous, but many women get diagnosed with breast cancer every year. We don’t want you girls to worry”. “How do you expect us not worry, when our mother has been diagnosed with breast cancer!”, as Brynée starts to panic. I look at them both and say, “so many women each year are diagnosed with breast cancer and a lot of women survive, I was lucky I have caught it early. I’m going to be one of those women who survives”. Kelsey starts to breakdown in tears as I can see Brynée trying not to cry and to remain strong. They both stand up to give me a hug as I just want to tear up and sob, but I want them to know that I’m going to make it through this no matter what I have to go through.
A few weeks had gone by as my mother and sisters came down to visit and take care of me, as my double mastectomy procedure was being done tomorrow morning. I walk into the living room to see both my daughters curled up on the couch in the living room as my oldest Brynée tries to comfort Kelsey as she sobs in her arms telling Brynée she’s scared for mom to go in for the procedure. I quickly walk away before they see me notice that I had saw. I go to the bedroom and lock the door behind me as I just wanted to be left alone with not wanting another person coming up to me asking how I was doing. My heart felt as if it had sunk feeling hopeless wanting both my daughters not to worry about me especially at such a young age. I started to think to myself, I know I can fight this cancer, what I’m scared of is if I can beat it. I have two daughters and a husband I care about. Thinking about not being there for them, makes me feel powerless. Truth is, I’m terrified.
Coming back from the hospital after my procedure John had helped me out of the car and into the house. I was wearing nothing but a medical bra they had put around me and a robe with the four different drains coming out of me. I walked up and look at myself within the mirror. I started to cry, because I didn’t want my kids to see me like this.
I had went back into the living room and sat in the reclining chair as I could hear the front door open and Brynée and Kelsey rushing through the doors. They both instantly run to the reclining chair and sit down next to me asking how I was feeling. I told them both that I’m doing fine and not to worry. I look towards them both and smile, as I tell them, “the cancer is finally out of me” .
Five years later, I am now forty five as I had to go back in to the cancer specialist as I have been seeing them once every year to make sure the cancer hasn’t come back. I sit down in the doctors office as she looks to me and says, “Sherry how have you been you look amazing!”, I smile and tell her that I couldn’t be any better! Although being back in the cancer specialist center didn’t bring back any good memories. The doctor sits down and says, “Sherry this is your fifth year and your cancer still hasn’t come back, which means you are cancer free and the percentage of your cancer coming back is very slim”, I couldn’t help the smile that was portrayed across my face. “Congratulations”, she said as I tell her thank you for everything and then proceed to walk out of the building for my very last time.
Kelsey
It has been five years since my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and she is now finally in remission. Having a family history of breast cancer always frightens me that maybe one day I will end up with the cancer. One night before going to bed my mom came in to say goodnight as I had told her how I was worried that one day I might get breast cancer since it ran in our family, and more and more people I knew were becoming diagnosed. She looked at me and said, “Kelsey, you are too young to be worrying about this, most women who are diagnosed are typically in their early forties”. I looked up at her and said, “you’re right I shouldn’t worry”.
Next morning I wake up to the sound of my alarm on going off, as I had to get up to get ready for school. After the talk with my mom the night before, I told myself I was going to start to try and feel around to see if I notice anything different every so often. As I laid their in my bed I felt around trying to see if I had noticed anything that doesn’t seem right. I suddenly felt a big lump in my right breast, just like my mother. I instantly got frazzled wondering if it was anything serious I should be concerned about. I quickly ran down the hall and into my parent’s bedroom to let my mom know what I had found.
it was uncommon for someone so young to be diagnosed with breast cancer
After my mom telling me it didn’t feel right, I instantly start to worry wondering if someone my age, so young, could get breast cancer. My mom had made an appointment for me to go in and have the lump looked at. Sitting in the waiting room I knew it couldn’t be cancerous since I was only a junior in high school, and it was uncommon for someone so young to be diagnosed with breast cancer, but it still was something concerned in the back of my mind.
“Kelsey Allan” as the nurse called me in and walked me and my mom into the room. I sat down as my mom and I waited patiently for the doctors arrival. “Hi Kelsey, how are you?”, asked the doctor as she walked through the door. “I’m doing alright thanks”, I reply. She looks to me and asks to feel for the lump on the right side of my breast as I point to her where it is. She looks to me and says, “I would like you to come back in for a biopsy to have it checked out more”. I started to panic not knowing how to react. I constantly repeated the question over in my head “what if it is cancerous”.
Few weeks had gone by, as I had already gone in for my biopsy, as they had told me the lump in my breast was benign. Although I had already knew it couldn’t be cancerous since it was uncommon at such a young age, I was relieved. The doctor had said they would like to remove the lump just incase, as this was my first time going in for surgery.
Sitting in the waiting room with my family by my side I was still in fear of going in for the surgery, although I knew everything would turn out fine. As the nurse called me in and brought my family and I into a room I looked at my family as they all surrounded me telling me everything was going to be alright. I laid down in the bed as the doctor then proceeded to stick the needle into my arm, so I would fall asleep.
Waking up after the surgery was done I felt no pain, yet at least, as I still had some drugs in my system. My mom, dad and sister came into the room asking how I was feeling as I told them I didn’t have any pain as of right now. After the surgery and the scare of the lump inside my breast it made me think of how scared my mother must of been when she had discovered she was diagnosed with breast cancer. For that I look up to her in a different way than just my mother, but as a strong survivor.
If I were to ask my mom what it took for her to face cancer in the eye with such courage, I know what her answer would be; strength. Living by the ocean my entire life and spending half of my summer surrounded by it I know firsthand how strong of a force the ocean can be, how strong of a force a wave can be. The word strength automatically directs my thoughts towards my mother, the strongest person I know; stronger than any wave or any force for that matter. To symbolize my mothers courage, and to never forget the unbelievable amount of strength my mother has, my sister and I got matching tattoos of a wave on our right rib cages. My mother, the wave, who inundated her cancer until it crashed.
